Conquering the Conflict Behind Speaking Your Truth

As a recovering good girl, I like when people are happy with me – which means my first tendency is to shrink away from telling hard truths.

Yet speaking the truth – about how you really feel, what you really want, or what your intuition is telling you, can bring great freedom and oh yes, inner turmoil. Behind all that confusion and conflict is usually a fear.

As soon as you can un-root the fear, then you’re free – free from feeling bogged down, free to speak up with clarity and conviction, and free to stop living from “should” and start doing what makes you genuinely happy.

Over the past year, I’ve had to find the courage to speak my truth quite a few times. My tummy turned and I struggled before I:

–       Told my family I wasn’t traveling 12 hours with a newborn to attend my dad’s memorial service.

–       Set new boundaries and shifted old, tired roles between my husband and I.

–       Raised my hand to remedy poor communication within a organization where I volunteer.

–       Spoke up what I was honestly feeling in new – and old friendships.

Each time I spoke up, I was blown away by the slippery fears that lurked beneath the surface of my awareness.

Would my mom still love me? Would my husband leave me? Would the organization’s leader still like me? Would I have any friends?

As I burrowed beneath each fear, I had to ask myself if I was okay with my worst case (and rather unlikely) scenario.

Could I live without my mom speaking to me? (Yes, although not my preference!)

Would I be okay if my husband left me? (I’d rather be married, but ultimately I’d be okay.)

Would I survive if I was ousted as a volunteer? (Yes… with more free time to boot.)

Could I live if I lost friends who didn’t value depth & honesty as I do? (Absolutely.)

Peeling back the murky fears enabled me to become clear about what is important to me and to communicate without anger or resentment. Obligation dropped away. More intimacy and new solutions emerged.

The results of speaking up have astounded me and look absolutely nothing like my worst fears.

A few days before my dad’s service, I decided I really wanted to go – because I wanted to be there, not because it was expected of me. Everything fell into place with ease and I discovered that I was more than capable of traveling with a newborn and a 7 year old. My family was grateful I came.

My husband and I revamped our relationship so that we are both happier, more balanced and less stressed. We feel like a fluid team instead of being stuck in limiting old patterns.

Speaking up has also brought more respect when volunteering and deeper bonds have formed with friends.

Do you struggle to speak up, especially when you fear you might disappoint or anger someone? 

When you’re grappling with finding the courage to speak up, here are 4 steps to conquer the conflict behind speaking your truth:

1. State the problem as clearly as you can – and be clear about what you really want.
2. Ask what your fear is. What am I afraid of? What’s the worst that could happen?
3. Keep asking until you find your deepest fear.
4. Check in to see if you could live with your deepest fear happening. Don’t worry, this doesn’t mean you want it to happen and most likely it won’t happen. Being clear gives you great freedom.

Here’s what this process looks like, using an example from a recent conversation with a dear friend and client.

Her: This year I’ve committed to doing what I want to do and of course work is driving me crazy. My boss has dumped a whole bunch of new responsibilities on me that are not part of my job description and I just don’t like doing. I want to get back to doing what I love, what I’m good at, and why I originally took this job.

Me: What’s your fear if you tell your boss this?

Her: She’ll say that’s not enough. That I’m not doing enough.

Me: If you were okay with this, then what’s the worst that could happen?

Her: She could fire me.

Me: Are you okay with that? Could you survive without this job?

Her: Well, I’d be fine with that except my husband wants to buy a house and we need my income to do that.

Me: So do YOU want to buy a house?

Her: No, not really.

Me: You no longer want to do what you “should” do – you want to do what YOU really want… So you’re afraid to speak up over a job that no longer makes you happy in order to make your husband happy?

Her: That’s kind of crazy!

Me: You know your husband adores you and wants you to be happy. He’d be fine with supporting you until you found another job. So if you did speak up, you’d either be able to have the job you love – or you’d be free to start the business you’ve been thinking about. Either way you’d be happier and doing what you want to do.

Her: Yep. I can’t believe you just untangled that in 5 minutes.

So dig, dig, dig my friends. When you find the fear and conquer the conflict behind speaking your truth, your life will get a lot sweeter. Mine sure did.

Do tell. Is it hard for you to speak up? What tools do you use to find your courage and speak your truth? Comment below.