I am.

Do you ever wake up from a dream that feels vitally important, but you just can’t quite remember it? You lay there for a few moments doing your best to conjure it back up, but all you can grasp are a few fragments. You try to puzzle together the pieces, knowing they are clues, but rahhh! The feeling is slipping away, so with a sigh you get up and start your day with a nagging feeling inside.

My waking life has been feeling that way, Shaman Girls. I keep receiving clues about who I really am and how I truly want to be living. But like in a nighttime dream, it’s surreal and doesn’t quite make sense and I’m missing some big chunk that will pull it all together.

And then as you’re going about your day, no longer concerned about the dream, click! it all comes rushing back to you. Ah, yes. Not only do you remember the dream, but you know exactly why it felt so important to remember. It all makes sense now.

Throughout this turbulent year of 2012 and especially since I’ve turned 40, I’ve had realization after realization. Fear, doubt and worry have surfaced. I’ve questioned my value, the assumptions I’ve made about roles I play. Sat with my judgments. I’ve stepped out of the closet. Let go of expectations. I’ve been mucking about in human concerns – health, relationships, career, finances.

Throughout this process, I’ve gone to see a shaman, psychic, akashtic record reader, massage therapist. They’ve all shook their heads. You’re doing fine. Your energy looks beautiful and lovely. What’s the problem here?

I’d struggle to articulate what I’ve been feeling. Everything is great and fine, but…

And then it all coalesced. I’ve been so preoccupied by all my human hopes, fears, dreams, and wants that I forgot.

I forgot that I am.

I am a nameless, spacious, mysterious force travelling through this human body.

I choose to play roles and tell stories about my life and give it all meaning. But what I do or how other people interact with me has nothing to do with who I be.

Yes, I just wrote, who I be.

I’m not here to wake anyone else up, or inspire anyone, or heal the planet. I’m not here to deliver a message. I just wrote my resignation letter for all those jobs.

It’s a relief not to be limited by any of these ideas.

What am I here to do?

I’m here to express myself. To create.

My creations hold consciousness. Others can choose to play with them or not. My creations (children, books, websites, healing sessions, artwork, you name it…) do not define my value as a being on this planet.

I’m here to enjoy myself and my life.

Approaching life in this way – how do I want to express myself? and what do I enjoy? – feels radical. I’ve never created from this point of view and there aren’t many examples of others creating in this way either (that I know!). From what I can tell, we are creating a whole new reality at this time on this little blue planet.

I am trusting that by being “who I be” that others will want to play with me. I’m no longer focusing on “what I do.”

And life will support me.

It always has and always will.

Last night, after a long conversation with Shaman Guy, I lay down on the rug in front of our wood-burning stove. Subwoofer, our puppy, came to lie down next to me. I began rubbing his ears, really feeling the softness. Tears sprang to my eyes. Instead of giving him a quick, careless pat on his head as I usually do, I was enjoying being with him. Being present in the moment.

This feeling was just a slight shift, a tiny relaxation. It’s extending how I am in so many areas of my life into ALL moments.

And that is my intent. To love and enjoy it all. To enjoy the little cold I have. To revel in delight of Shaman Boy when he interrupts me writing or meditating. To love Shaman Guy fiercely. To spend my days expressing myself, doing what brings me pleasure without a goal or agenda.

Most likely I will forget and reawaken… and I will have this creation to remind me.

I am dreaming. At night. During the day. I am dreaming the most beautiful creation. I am.

I hope you are too.

M