Lots and Lots of Prayers

Ouf.

My heart is heavy tonight, as no doubt yours is. 20 children killed in Connecticut.

I feel the pain and sadness. These children did not come from my body, and my grief is a tiny droplet of the mamas’ and papas’ and brothers’ and sisters’ and grandparents’, and yet these children and these families and this grief are mine.

And yours.

And ours.

I claim you and you and you. I send you my love. I share your outrage.

We are one. Can’t you see? Can’t you feel it? We might have different beliefs, or religions, or skin color, or preferences between sweet or salty. But we are all made of the same star stuff, the same flesh, blood, dreams, fears. When you are in pain, I feel you. When you are full of joy, I share that with you as well.

Can you imagine? Dropping your little one off at school. Maybe you were rushed, late for a meeting, or off to run holiday errands. Hopefully there was a kiss or a hug or a kind word. Without thinking about it, you assume that your child is safe. That you’ll see your child again in a few hours. There will be homework and afterschool activities and playdates and bedtime stories and hugs. There will be hurts and frustration and weariness. There will be the thousands of little moments that make up and day. But then… gone.

I cannot begin to comprehend this tragedy.

I do know that it makes me want to love harder. To grab Shaman Boy and cover his face with mushers. To inhale his little boy scent and revel in the warmth when he cuddles into me. It makes me crave looking into Shaman Guy’s eyes and communicating the depth of my love. No words necessary.

Tonight I sit with a heavy heart, Shaman Girls. A small price to pay for being alive, I suppose. And it’s all I have to offer to the families in Connecticut. I hold you in my achy heart. I hold the space for you to wail and yell and rage at the world, at life, at God. Let the wild winds of your anger and pain roar through you. I’m shaking my fist too. And in the coming days or months or years, may you find some solace, some ease. May you love harder.

Circle up, Shaman Girls. Light a candle. Say a prayer. Sit with your achy hearts. And love.

Love, love, love.

Aho,

M