Panties All Knotted Up?

“Every time you feel the needing, the yearning, the striving… for the boyfriend, the money, the job, the success… it’s really a desire to rest in your being. So why not plop yourself down and give it to yourself?”

I’m lying in savasana at the end of a divine yoga class, when my dear friend and yoga teacher Ivana Ustariz utters these words. I’m hardly able to comprehend words, I’m so relaxed and spread out, and yet every antenna in my being perks up.

I’ve been a head case and a whack job this week. My panties have been all knotted up as Shaman Guy likes to say. I’ve felt emotionally crummy, without a specific reason for feeling so – nothing in particular going on in my outer world.

Nancy Carlson, another friend and light worker, summed it up perfectly yesterday, “There’s been a lot of up and down lately. This week –  into the trough.” Yep, you’re riding the wave, life popping and hopping, then you find yourself down in the pit staring up at the wave walls wondering how you’ll ever climb out. Apparently many of us – along with the planets – have been in the trough this week.

I sit up on my mat, still lost in the expansive space I drop into at the end of Ivana’s classes. I smile to myself because I’ve made a commitment to send out a message via newsletter every Thursday to all of you.

It’s Thursday.

No newsletter. No blog as yet. I haven’t been able to organize my experiences into a coherent form. I should have been at home writing, but I knew I would hear the perfect phrase at yoga to inspire me, to help release the internal knots. With 2 minutes left in the class, Ivana delivers just what I needed to hear.

Then she delivers the kill. “When the doubt comes up, be still. You’ll get back to the emails, the phone calls in a few days, next week. The job will come. The money will be there. Just give yourself the space to be.”

And that’s what I’ve been doing this week. I’ve been fretting about who I want to serve and what my message is and how is this all going to work out and what about next year and… Yep, panties all knotted up.

The old response would have been to dig in. Sit at my desk. Plow through my to do list. Try harder.

Recovering over-achievers love to do when in doubt.

And yet sometimes it takes stepping back. Slowing down. Getting still. Visiting the infinite space. Resting in being. Reflecting.

So I stepped away from my desk, and sat in my big comfie chairs. I pulled out a journal. I explored within. To counter the voice that says “nothing’s happening, you need to do more, why aren’t your dreams manifesting more quickly dammit?” I wrote out a list of all that’s transformed since January. (Go ahead, take 5 minutes. Grab a pen & paper. Pick a point in the past. A few months ago. A few weeks ago. Then scribble a list of all that you’ve done or all that’s changed in your life.) Acknowledging your accomplishments, the depth and breathe of transformation that’s happening in your life (and all of ours) is possibly life changing to do so. Definitely perspective changing. And very likely more productive than another Facebook post or email.

Then I made a list of what was bothering me. What I wanted to let go of. Dumped it all out. The doubts. The fears. The places I’ve been energetically blocking myself. The emotions. The truth of what I feel which is based on erroneous stories in my head. Whew!

It all went into my Let It Go box. You do have a Let It Go box, right? Find a box – pretty or not. A jar, something you can drop scraps of paper in. Whenever you’re worried or spinning out or can’t stop thinking about (whatever), you drop all of it into your box. Give it up to god, the universe, the earth. Oh to let it all go!

I felt the tug to return to the to do list, but instead I looked at all the assumptions I’ve made that have been causing me stress. What if I moved my timeline out and gave myself more space? What if I didn’t need to be on top of the mountain, but was content being halfway up? What if I spoke a deeper truth? The melting continued.

For the last few days, I talked to trusted friends. I asked for help. I inhaled the vibrant beauty of the blossoming spring trees. I walked. Cried. Took care of what absolutely needed to be done. I read. Life went on.

And while all of these tools and tricks helped immensely, what I’ve really been craving is to rest in being. To dive deeply into my vastness and true nature. To sit in formlessness and let my tantrum dissolve. I’ve been dipping my toe in this space over the past week. Upon hearing Ivana’s words, my being said a resounding “YES!” and so I am giving myself full permission to sink in and stay as long and as often as needed.

Because I know that from this space, comes faith and gratitude and ease. From sating this space, the desire to create and serve and email and do will arise again, more authentically and more in alignment with my essence and my purpose.

So I sit. Drop in. The tears well up. Yes, this what I’ve truly desire.

How do you respond when you’re in the trough, feeling like a head case, or stuck in the needing/wanting/frustrated space?

Do Ivana’s words resonate with you?

Every time you feel the needing, the yearning, the striving, it’s really a desire to rest in your being.

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