Soul or Role(s)?

“I have a lot on my plate!” my beloved said with a bit of edge.

“So do I!” I countered.

“No, you don’t,” he retorted.

And then a whole dream shattered…

While it was tempting to point the finger of blame and become indignant about how Jamie wasn’t seeing or valuing me, I saw clearly that this conversation was really a reflection of a struggle that’s been raging within me for decades. It’s been particularly chaffing these last few weeks.

From my earliest memories, I have been good at most anything I set out to do. (As many of you know, I’m a recovering people-pleasing perfectionist.) To the outside, whatever I take on often seems effortless. And I enjoy expressing myself in a wide range of ways – whether it’s making a delicious meal or drawing a picture for Bodhi to color or busting out a spreadsheet for a business client or deeply reflecting a hidden truth to the person sitting in front of me.

While I would love to say that no matter what way I express myself, I’m doing it for the sheer love of it, the truth is I’ve always had half and eyelid open, peeking to see who’s watching. My parents adored me and I delighted in showing off. “Watch this!” and “This!” and what about “This?” Like all children, I wanted their love, attention and approval.

As I’ve grown older, I’ve been more discerning about what I really love to do. Shamanic healing makes me feel juicy, connected, grounded, wise. I get jazzed, clear, and contentedly organized when I’m in business coaching mode. I adore the feeling of really being present with my children, of creating a beautiful home, of having a deep intimate relationship with my man.

And yet I’ve been watching myself struggle, feeling conflicted: I want to work, part-time and mostly from home, and yet there’s some guilt about not being there for my children every moment. I remember my resentment toward my own mother who worked fulltime. And what work do I most want to do? I strain to figure out – should I focus on shamanic healing? Or business coaching? Or… back and forth I go.

I’m committing to dropping the struggle.

What I saw in the heat of Jamie and my argument was that I don’t value all that I do, particularly the traditionally feminine roles. I’m the mother of a 6 month old who is nursing life out of me and yet when I spend a day with her, I often tell myself that I haven’t gotten anything “done.” I’m responsible for the wellbeing of two children physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually – as if that isn’t enough in and of itself, a fulltime job. I cook, clean, do endless reams of laundry, organize our home – but my internal voice says “whatever!” I take care of our finances. I volunteer at Bodhi’s school and on a project for my godfather. I’m grieving my father’s passing and helping my mother as she grieves as well. I keep tabs on friends around the country. I see clients for shamanic healing, teach workshops, and am helping others launch or expand their own businesses.

I have a lot on my plate. Most days I do what I do without a thought. Many days I dismiss what I do – it’s not a big deal to cook or clean or do laundry. And yet sometimes, just sometimes, I can see myself and my gifts. I can appreciate all that I’ve taken on at a very deep level. I’m unique, amazing and just like millions of others who are living a full life with family.

More and more I’m turning my attention inward and validating myself. I’m not looking to mom or dad or my husband or friends or the outside world to reflect my value or worth. I’m talking to myself more kindly when I’m overwhelmed or feeling resentful. I’m making time for stillness, for nourishing my body and soul.

As I sat meditating tonight, I invited that little girl within me that was clamoring for attention to sit in my lap. And that’s when I saw the root conflict that’s been living within me. Her eyes begged me to see beyond all her talents and abilities, all the backflips that she’s been doing for attention. As I looked into her eyes, I saw past all the roles I play and looked straight into her soul.

I see you.

I see your soul.

What a beautiful soul it is. Able to play so many roles – wife, mother, friend, daughter, businesswoman, modern shaman, homemaker.

And yet these are just roles.

Just roles.

I see my soul.

My commitment: See my soul. See the roles I play. Love both.

I’d love to hear how you navigate all the roles you play and whether or not you make time to see and value your soul. Comment below pretty please!