Use Me

We humans are funny creatures. Or at least I am.

 

It seems like we tend to remember the “bad” more readily than the “good.”

 

More importantly, we don’t realize that the challenges in life can bring purpose, passion, and peace – once we heal the pain.

 

Let me explain. I’ve been sitting in the space of looking at where I’ve been in the past year and where I’m headed. The first ten months of 2012 were pretty incredible: I wrote a 700-page  first draft of Shaman Girl the book, turned 40 in Paris where Shaman Guy and I also celebrated our 9^th wedding anniversary, launched this blog/website and a Facebook community (which connected me to you – yeah! hello!), drew together a stunning group of Light Workers in my hometown, revamped my diet eliminating wheat, sugar, corn, and cheese, and had the best year ever in Shaman Guy’s business. Oh, and we have a sweet family life with Shaman Boy, Kai, and Wren where we enjoy Family Fun Days, time at our homes near the beach and mountains. Break out the champagne.

Soon! I hope!

Then November rolled around and I received the edits on Shaman Girl, which caused me to doubt writing the story at all. And what was I doing with this blog and Facebook anyway? How was I going to share my message with the world? Next Shaman Guy and I saw some cracks in our financial foundation. That stirred up questions about how we’ve been living, where we’ve been living, and how to get out of the mess. Then my laptop had a collision course with my eye, which caused a crack in my whole being. Doubt and fear and I don’t know which way to turn kicked in.

 

As I’ve been reviewing 2012, what do you think I’ve focused on? Celebrating January-October and all these accomplishments? Or wallowing the in why?!? and what’s going on?!? for the last two months? Yep, I was stuck in the muck. There were lots of tears. Beliefs breaking. Moments of insight, yes, followed by more confusion and doubt.

 

Then the night before New Year’s Eve, a fierce and unexpected windstorm blew through our valley. The wind howled through cracks of our house, which was shaking. Trees were cracking and popping. As I lay in my bed, I could feel myself travelling with the wind, clearing out old energy, creating movement and flow. Powerful. Exhilarating. Unsettling.

 

That morning, we awoke and the wind had died down to smaller gusts. For the first time in a month, I felt clearer, excited about what lay ahead. The wind had shook free so many of the doubts. I was ready to tackle our financial situation and get back to work.

 

We were just getting ready to get out of bed when BAM! The ground shook. We ran to the windows, looking out in each direction to see what had caused that noise. As we peered past the ice-covered windowpanes, we saw the culprit. An enormous white pine, well over 100’, had uprooted and fell across our driveway. Whoa! Shaman Guy and Shaman Boy sprung into action. A tree to clear! Shaman Guy powered up the chain saw and went at it. A dear friend who owns a logging business came by and dragged the cut sections out of the way so we would be able to leave our house (thanks Greggie!) They cleared what they could, left the rest for springtime, and saved some for firewood.

Later in the day I took our dogs for a walk and stopped to examine the roots. They were magnificent. Well over my head, gnarly, dirt-encrusted. Beautiful. I looked at the tree and saw myself. I’ve been feeling an uprooting happening within. All the rich loam of hibernating and mothering and personal growth-ing has all been exposed to the light. My inner landscape has been churned up and my tree trunk – the way I used to express myself in the world – had fallen down. So what to do? Cut away the obstacles, clear the way, reuse what I can for firewood. Make way for new growth.

 

And there you have it.

 

I believe that whenever we face a challenge, we bring more of our true, resilient beauty to the light. If we choose to approach the challenge and the changes it brings with some openness and awareness, we often find clues to living more passionately, more purposefully, more peacefully.

New Year’s Eve Walk

Maybe you’ve experienced some of those same “challenges”; we become ill and this forces us to change our diet or the amount of stress in our lives. We are in a car accident, and we have to slow down, get quiet and hear what that inner voice has been trying to communicate. We suffer a heartbreak and tap into our love for ourselves or resolve to pick a better match next go-round. A parent dies and we question what we want to do with our life. Our child gets hurt and we become more patient and loving, remembering the preciousness of their life.

 

I’m not saying that the challenge doesn’t suck. Life’s challenges can be uncomfortable to painful to immobilizing heart wrenching. Yet as we heal and create scar tissue, we knit into the fiber of our being more strength, more compassion and connection with those around us, more faith.

 

My financial challenges are creating a need that in turn is motivating me. I saw today that my true motivation isn’t to make money. But my need for money is motivating me to become clearer about how I can be more useful to you, to the world. What are my gifts and how can I offer them to more people in exchange for dollars? How cool is it that I could create a retreat and actually get to meet some of you Shaman Girls in person? I could write an eBook on the Doubt Demon (& its Friend Fear) and it might spark an “a-ha” in your life that you then share with someone in your life. These possibilities excite me.

 

The lyrics of a song I used to love when I went to the Agape Church in Los Angeles, lead by Dr. Michael Beckwith, years ago have been floating through my head lately. I believe that Life (or God or the Universe, whatever word you like) uses us to be the Love, be the Light. And usually when we humans get comfortable, we sometimes don’t fully open and shine. It often takes some kind of wake up call for us to open our hearts and minds a little wider to let the love (and all the parts that don’t resonate with love) to come flooding out.

 

Here’s the song. (If the word “God” makes you itchy, substitute “Life”)

 

Use Me by Rickie Byars Beckwith

 

Use me, oh God

I stand for you and here I’ll abide

As you show me all that I must do

I used to think God was the sun

God is the sun, but God’s so much more

Than the Earth, or the stars

or all of Creation

God is Creator, all in all

Needing us to shine It’s light

As me, as you, so

Use me, oh God

I stand for you and here I’ll abide

As you show me all that I must do

(All that I’m saying is)

Command my hands, what must they do

Command my life, it’s here for you

God is the love that heals all Creation

God is Creator, makes all things new

And God needs us

To shine It’s light

As me, as you

Use me, oh God

I stand for you and here I’ll abide

As you show me all that I must do

 

I’m ready to be used. I’m seeing the “good” in the “bad.” I’m letting my current challenges direct me to go within, connect more deeply with who I am, and to shine outward and connect with all of you.

 

It’s going to be a good year. 2013. That doesn’t mean we won’t face challenges. We will. But we can use them for our greatest good. We can be strong, be passionate, be vulnerable, be bold.

 

And you? How are you approaching 2013? How do you view challenge in your life? Share your wisdom and insights Shaman Girls. We can all use YOU.

 

Amen! Can I get a witness? Hallelujah!