Would I Trade My Husband for a Housekeeper?

My marriage feels like it was put in a blender – one of those ultra-powerful Vitamix ones.

Moving from the beach to the mountains, pregnant, without jobs, will do that to you.

All the changes gave us the opportunity to re-examine the roles we play, how we relate to one another, and our relationship with money. It also unearthed all the unspoken resentments, past hurts, old beliefs and expectations.

It’s been a challenging few years.

A few weeks ago, Jamie gave me I’d Trade My Husband for a Housekeeper: Loving Your Marriage After the Baby Carriage by Trisha Ashworth and Amy Nobile. I laughed, teared up and moaned as I related to their insights on marriage – all of which were deadly accurate. The book illustrates in hilarious detail how men and women often speak differently and have different needs which often result in the typical martial conflict and misunderstandings.

Bless Jamie’s heart he agreed to spend part of our first date since baby arrived doing a few of the exercises in the book.

Man they were eye openers!

If your man (or lady) is game, I highly recommend the following:

1. Rank the following emotional needs in order of importance to you, while your partner does the same. (We modified the list to make it more relevant to us, feel free to do the same.)

• Admiration/Appreciation/Respect
• Affection
• Conversation
• Domestic Support
• Family Commitment
• Financial Support
• Honesty
• Openness/Receptivity
• Physical Attractiveness
• Recreational Companionship
• Sexual Fulfillment
• Cuddling
• Alone Time

Now compare your rankings.

According to the book, what men rank at the top of their list is typically what women rank at the bottom of theirs and vice versa. Jamie and I were no different.

And here’s why the big a-ha came in for me.

Jamie often comments on wanting me to be more affectionate with him. Yet with a nursing baby and a 7 year old climbing on me and sucking the life out of me day and night, I have little leftover desire for more affection. Remembering to give Jamie some love often felt like another “to do” on my long list.

Yet when I heard that this is one of the most important parts of a relationship for him, it changed my whole perspective. It went from me feeling like he was being “needy” to me wanting to show him in a way that’s meaningful to him that I do love and care about him.

Giving affection is the opposite of what I most crave – alone time. By myself. With no one else anywhere near me. This helped Jamie understand that my lack of affection has nothing to do with my love for him. Seeing this contrast enabled Jamie and I to see how we could best support each other.

Which rolls into the second exercise:

2. Ask the question, “What three specific actions would make the biggest difference in our marriage?”

It can be actions you want to do yourself or you wish your partner was doing for you.

So often we do the things that we wish our partner was doing for us, and then we feel resentful that we are not recognized or appreciated for all we do. If you really want your partner to feel loved and appreciated, you need to do the things that matter to them, not you.

For example, I spend tons of time taking care of “the business of marriage” – tending to all the million little details that it takes to keep a home, kids, and marriage functioning.

While Jamie appreciates this, it’s not what’s most important to him in our marriage (eye opener). And while I’d love for him to take on more of “the business,” he’d love for me to be more affectionate, playful and less stressed.

So while he makes sure he’s always affectionate with me (not a high priority for me), I’m always wishing for more alone time or more help with kids and house.

No wonder we feel like a soupy mixed up mess!

I felt like we were taking Marriage 101.

The final exercise:

3. Have your partner write down all the jobs they think you do within your marriage while you do the same for them.

For example, I wrote down that Jamie is in charge of all the wood – stacking, moving it inside, keeping the woodstove burning; and snow – shoveling, snowblowing; physical repairs… etc.

While Jamie wrote down that I was in charge of all school related activities, cooking, our finances, etc…

Now here’s the interesting part:

Trade lists and write down anything that was left off or forgotten.

Doing this exercise really make each of us appreciate all that the other does – especially all the things that are “behind the scenes.” We chuckled that Jamie would never think to clip children’s toenails while I would never think to check our yard for doggie doo.

This exercise also gives you the opportunity to re-negotiate if there’s an imbalance in your relationship.

The last mind-blowing realization?

One morning I came downstairs in my robe, bleary-eyed after a night of little sleep. I had just cleaned up after Bodhi had been sick, while Téa was wailing in her highchair. As my robe slipped open, Jamie smiled appreciatively and suggested we head upstairs.

Normally, I would have thought he had lost his mind. Perhaps even bitten it off.

I would have heard, “Hey – can you take care of my needs on top of the kids, even though you think you look and feel gross? Thanks hon!”

Thankfully I’d Trade My Husband for a Housekeeper helped me translate what he was really saying, “Honey, even though our life is a mess right now, I still find you attractive!”

A little insight can go a long way.

Now? I’m keeping my husband. But still dreaming of a housekeeper.

And you? Would you trade your hubby for a housekeeper? Any a-ha’s from the activities? What conflict and misunderstanding usually come up in your marriage? Do comment below.